10% Happier with Dan Harris

He's written several books including mindfulness, one Dharma and the experience of insight.

He's written several books including mindfulness, one Dharma and the experience of insight.

There's actually a great book about her called Deepama if anybody wants to go look it up.

There's actually a great book about her called Deepama if anybody wants to go look it up.

I'll put a link in the show notes, I never met her, but she was a student of your teacher, Munindra, who I also never met.

Deepak has a new book out himself it's called Quantum Body the new science of living a longer healthier more vital life

his main argument about the quantum field is that it is fundamentally interconnected with our consciousness and our bodily processes and you're going to hear me press him on that but we also quickly move into areas that are much easier to understand and to relate to such as how Deepak handles criticism how he regulates his own stress and how he feels about death Deepak Chopra coming up.

so we became best friends we wrote a book together called What of the World Views which became a New York Times bestseller

you know 35 years ago when I wrote Quantum Healing it was totally ridiculed and there was no epigenetics and when epigenetics came out as a science 20 years ago my good old friend Richard Dawkins said it's the fad of the day he's quoted up at that now you know epigenetics is totally accepted

And then at some point I had this idea of like maybe I'll tell the story about the panic attack and so I included it in some early drafts and a lot of my first readers came back and said give us more of this because the earth rapsodizing about the theory of meditation is not so interesting but you being an idiot is extremely interesting so I ended up rebuilding the whole book around what was happening in my inner life with the goal not just to be able to do it.

and I started to realize that this idea of this monkey mind that we all have was not an Eckhart toley trademarked inside it it really dates all the way back to the Buddha and Epstein has written these beautiful books about the overlap between Buddhism or the Dharma and modern psychology

and I started reading those books and then I called them up and begged him to be my friend and there's like at Tuesdays with Mori type vibe with me and mark throughout the book and he's explaining the Dharma to me as I'm trying to put it into action in a busy modern skeptical life.

So answer your question about meditation which I keep not doing meditation itself is a key part of how one manages the ego or the voice in the head the inner chaos and cacophony and it's I thought it was must be some esoteric practice that involved joining a group or believing in special things but it really is very simple and has been secularized in the form of mindfulness based stress.

His newest book, *Infectious Generosity: The Ultimate Idea Worth Spreading*, is out now.

And the promise of the Internet as a tool to dramatically amplify human kindness

One of the goals of your new book is to make a good thing less boring.

So one way I think we can make it less boring is by really making the case on what is in it for us to give from a scientific standpoint, from a physiological standpoint, from a reputational standpoint.

And the first thing to respond to generosity.

It's the name of the book. It's the subject of the ensuing discussion between you and me.

All of these things are things that have been sound helpful in various clinical trials or are part of evidence-based treatments.

The research reference section is pretty lengthy.

John Miles is also the author of a new book out this month called Passion Struck,

and also don't forget he's got a new book, Passion Struck, 12 Powerful Principles to Unlock Your Purpose and Ignite Your Most Intentional Life.

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection is the name of a new book by esteemed guests Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman.

They have written several books together, including Eight Dates and The Love Prescription.

Even though the majority of the Gottmans' research is on couples, the advice is applicable to all types of relationships.

No conflict is not the answer. Yeah, conflict is a very natural part of all relationships. You know, we've even studied identical twins and they have conflict.

However, in unhealthy conflict, the speaker is oftentimes describing the other partner in very negative terms with criticism, put downs, contempt, to which that other person is going to respond with defensiveness.

We like to make a distinction between process and content. And what content means is what issue are you discussing and what are your thoughts and feelings about that particular issue?

The first three minutes of an argument are key, and if you want to start the argument, well, two things. First, use I language, talk about your own emotions, instead of characterizing the other person. Second, state a positive intention, something you would like to see instead of describing the universe or other people in negative terms.

It's okay to express your emotion and be real about feeling that emotion. But in the process, you're describing yourself, you're not describing the partner, that's the interesting and important part of it.

One of the things we discovered that I think is very important to tell people is that the first three minutes of a conflict discussion determine how it's going to go 96% of the time and also predict the future of the relationship. Those first three minutes are really critical.

If they do that, apologize right away. They really don't know what they're apologizing for because they haven't heard the impact of what happened on their partner.

And taking a break means going away from one another for a period of time. And I'll talk about the details of how long that break should be. That's the first part. The second part is that when the break is over, both individuals have to be self-soothing.

And finally, when there is abuse, either physical abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse, that is really perpetrator, victim, and is causing harm. And that's really not a relationship. That's something very, very different.

We've done a lot of stuff on relationships and sex on this show, so we put a bunch of links in the show notes.

I guess that's valid I don't think a relationship has to end at a funeral home for it to have been a success you know people can have starter marriages there's a book about it and then move on to new relationships and if you're able to be in each other's lives and think well of each other after a marriage ends or relationship ends I think you can count that relationship a success

If you want to know more about puzzling puzzles, please check out the book, The Puzzle by AJ Jacobs, a history of puzzles that The New York Times called Fun and Funny.

It features an original puzzle hunt by yours truly and is available wherever you get your books.

And as I often say cliches become cliches for good reason because they're true.

That's very difficult to do though when you are in the midst of things, is to stop and get that perspective.

But that's what looking at Quitting in a different way requires us to do.

I like that word you use as well, to divest yourself of things because that divestiture has taken on a much more positive ring favor when we do change very often.

And the animals seem to understand that.

He's got a new book called Optimal: How to Sustain Personal and Organizational Excellence Every Day, co-written with Cary Cherniss.

I mean it in the sense of being at our best, having a day that we consider, wow, that was a good day.

Feeling good about it, being productive by whatever standard makes sense for you, feeling connected with whoever you're working with, all of those things, that makes it Optimal, I think.

And you're basically talking about an Optimal life.

Exactly.

You've got titles like Habits for Happiness, The Seven-Step Mindset Makeover, and Habits for Action.

New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com slash 10%, or text 10%, T-E-N-P-E-R-C-E-N-T, to 500-500. That's audible.com slash 10%, or text 10% to 500-500 to try Audible free for 30 days.