Monday Morning Podcast

It's fucking kids paying defense just to get an apple.

I saw the enemy of the people that I already say that I started this podcast over already because I didn't think it was fucking funny enough so I just started it over.

I mean, brain is on a fucking loop. If I didn't mention, if I already mentioned and I apologize, it started Michael and Perry or Perry Oli and Jeremy Strong was amazing.

The play was over 100 years old and what it was about still applies today like if somebody told me somebody wrote that play last year other than the way they were dressed, I would have believed it.

The Last Messiah, dude how fucking long even listen to this podcast of course they haven't by the norwegian philosopher and mountain climbing enthusiast Peter Weissel Zaporo

Zamp zap ffe and all around swell dude has been described as one of the bleakest thinkers of all time in place uh naturally he's on to something I've heard you rant and rave about the corporations and their insatiable greed and unchecked malice the lunacy of ordinary people distracted by twinkling stars and erectile dysfunction medication hymns oh okay listen to the podcast I think our resident philosopher smiley zamp can elucidate do this fucking guy see guys are smartia elucidate uh didn't for the longest time I thought lucid meant you a fucking loopy I don't know what meant you were thinking clearly some of the horrors of our existence and and perchants prc h a n c per chance explain some of our species more malicious and evil behavior

in The Last Messiah he argues that our existence angst despair and depression is due to our overly involved intellect we have an over abundance of consciousness we think too much for our own good we are a biological paradox in abomination and absurdity and exaggeration of disastrous nature

borrowing from psychoanalysis zamp argues that we as overthinking viruses have four methods of limiting the contents of our consciousness parentheses or said differently hiding the awfulness of existence from ourselves we can isolate I've been doing that lately avoid thinking altogether thinking too much about death suffering and the presidential election is too much it's better to watch efforts for family and eat cheetos oh boy this is getting a little too close to home here uh we can anchor fixate on the values or i an ideal samphix exquisite example our church god state morality fate the laws of life in the future we can distract prevent the mind from ever examining itself how about some external stimulation instagram you to tiktok and the super bowl anything to not be aware do this is this is fucking this is getting this is disturbing I agree with all of this we can sublimate turning the pain of living into something valuable yeah life is shit but the shit has some meaning to it because of xyz me I have to be on see the vitus stop right here this right here all of this I agree with like what you do with your brain and on everything they say in here and the only thing that has saved me has been finding love and then having children having a dog riding a motorcycle around an airport that dopa mean grin on my face and also helping other people just trying to like all right I can't stop all of this big shit but I can go into this store be nice to this person I can see this person needing money you know of course you try to judge if they're on drugs or alcohol give them a little bit of money I don't know I don't know what to do here wow there's some reason like the way this is explained though isn't depressing it's actually like enlightening enlightening where are these words coming from I'm interested to hear you uh in my world that's a big word all right fuck off I'm interested to hear your take on this I'm also interested to learn if you think his suggestion anti-nationalism is good or bad and why mean not being for your country well you there's a trust factor everyone would have to do it I mean that's what I would let me just sort of let go of all of these stupid leaders with their dumb flags behind them oh my god that remind me of that guy way back in the day Damon Zex Damon motherfucking Zex when he used to be on um public access here in New York I used to watch that with Bobby Kelly it was fucking awesome

your answer will of course be graded and if you get an f you'll have to repeat summer school where the duns hat and listen to the greatest hits of new kids on the block I like new kids oh oh oh on repeat for 128 hours while we sleep to preview and you and scream obscenities at you clockwork orange there so for any and all misspellings weird grammar and other dumb shit I'm a stupid foreigner whose native language sounds like a series of grunts and pig squeals dude fuck off if you could this is your second language you have more command of this language than I do I'm regularly distracting myself from life's horrors with your podcasts and stand-up shows and I remember catching you live when you played oslo spectrum great set if you ever come back to Norway I'll be sure to get some tickets kind of regards and uh merry how do you fucking do chairman of the positivity council well I'm gonna fucking read that whatever the hell you told me to read all right here's a link right here uh how christ turnoff airplane mode all right I'm going to do that right now I'm gonna turn off airplane mode so I can tell you guys what the name of this thing is because that was fascinated to me to at least understand you know why we're doing the things that we do here all right philosophy now philosophy now that's such a funny name philosophy sounds like you just sort of chilling out wearing a fucking toga and you just be chill right philosophy now uh The Last Messiah um by peter okay I'll spell it out for you if you're interested in this oh it's published in 1933 peter wessel w s s e l zap zap ffe peter wessel w s s e l zap ffe zapp originally published january 19 1933 translated from Norwegian um The Last Messiah and philosophy now dot org or you can buy it I don't know where um I'm gonna fucking read this thank you so much that's amazing all right that's the podcast everybody go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on thursday

It's like the Chris Rock movie 'Top Five.' Give me a big five.

It'd be funny if you put out, you know, they have the white album. Jay-Z has The Black Album. Can you imagine if Michael Jackson did like this sabotage album and just put out the shittiest?

You know what that reminds me? I saw The Hateful Eight in 70 millimeter. That opening scene when the guys that drive in the fucking stagecoach in 70 millimeter with a full team of horses is one of my favorite shots of all time.

I saw The Hateful Eight in 70 millimeter.

There's a great book called Tropic of Hockey by a Canadian musician slash writer that opens with the author sitting in his living room in June, watching the Stanley cup as his wife passes by the TV, asking him the score or who's playing. But he has no idea.

I recently read something kind of insane in a Carl Sagan book and thought I'd share

a vizier for an ancient I don't even know what that is for an ancient Persian king invented chess.

The king was so blown away by the game that he says to the vizier you can have anything you want as a reward. A palace or two treasures, dancing girls, you name it. You name it.

The vizier comes back to the king and says all I want is one single grain of wheat for the first square then two grains for the second square then double it for each square after.

The king laughs at the request and tells the head of his granary to grant the vizier's request and when he started everybody did it. So the vizier gets one grain in the first square then two in the second four in the third eight and the fourth and so on. Here's the thing though by the time he gets to the 64th square the vizier had his own 18 quintillion 446 quadrillion 744 trillion 73 billion 709 million 551 thousand 615 bits of grain.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World and for you know how many times I've heard that fucking song like now I don't mind tears for fears because it reminds me of the 80s when I was young had a full head of hair my whole life in front of me you know you know my pants were all puffy I was lifting weights every day but only the upper body the way you're supposed to

he goes listen to this uh tears for fears I was like oh my god tears for fear every Everybody Wants to Rule the World and for you know how many times I've heard that fucking song like now I don't mind tears for fears because it reminds me of the 80s when I was young had a full head of hair my whole life in front of me you know you know my pants were all puffy I was lifting weights every day but only the upper body the way you're supposed to

he says listen to this tears for fears you know Everybody Wants to Rule the World I might get the fuck you know so I'm listening to it for years I never heard what was going on with the hi-hat you know the guy's playing triplets but he's he's playing them in groups of two he accents every other one listen to it I always thought it was just boom I thought it was that I didn't know like the hi-hat was going right only drummers understand what I'm talking about right one and uh

Underrated: Reading Instructions and Living Lean, uh, hey Billy, I finally started reading instructions in my 30s, yeah, I know, it just takes so much fucking patience but it's never it always goes better it always goes better, you know, when you're assembling something, you should read the whole fucking thing and then go back because there's always one thing make sure that you did this or that'll fuck this step up if you just start assembling it you know it always goes wrong all right underrated reading instructions and living lean

Hey Bill, I finally started reading instructions in my 30s, that, that's you're like a prodigy, it only took you to your 30s to do that, took me to my 50s, it's amazing what knowing how something works can do for your life. I even watched a few videos on the iPhone capabilities no one knows exist that are useful. I've also taken your advice and stopped taking on more junk, I've thinned the herd of material possessions and I'm on my way to being a three guitar, one skateboard, laptop, phone, uh ten of my favorite books enclosed for the seasons I can move anywhere in one car trip, I feel invincible dude. That's, that's amazing, man.

Joe Bartnick who has an unbelievable special, A Killing in Chicago. Uh you got to check it out especially the intro which was totally Joe Bartnick's idea and it was directed by Ben Tischler, my writing partner that I worked with on a project that I'm not allowed to talk about.

American grandmother Linda Wolfe has become the most married woman in the world.

She must be the first time you're like, 'hey, could you not put your shoes here? Linda'.

I gotta tell you something Amanda Pete's performance in this thing is so friggin incredible and then I actually looked up the real woman that she's playing because I was like going like

Was this woman this unhinged and then I just I just saw pictures of her I was just like wow, she is nailing this thing and Christian Slater is absolutely crushing it playing the her ex-husband and

It is fucking wild. I think it's on the USA Network. We started watching I mean, I sort of paratrooped into this thing where they I don't know how many episodes in they were but I'm gonna go back and watch this stuff, but Jesus Christ. What a performance

And what a creepy story, too and it's kind of funny it was like Basically the overall story me to read the overall story if you don't a spoiler alert just Fast forward ahead for a couple minutes here, but it was basically You know man and woman get married

You're like Of Mice and Men.

That's how you're painting me within 10 minutes of this. You're Lenny in Of Mice and Men.

Robinson Caruso the way it's spelled CRU SOE Robinson Crusoe

First published on the 25th of April 1719 the first edition is blah blah blah Plot summary Jesus. Let's get to the cliff notes This is too long Crusoe joined an expedition to bring slaves from Africa, but he's yeah But he was shipwrecked In his dorm exactly what I thought That's exactly what I thought. No, it was about that Did they do a second version where that wasn't in there?

Overcoming his despair. He fetches arms tools and supplies So basically white people read this ignore the slavery part and then root for this white guy to come home because they put themselves in that place I

Everyone says Robinson Caruso, but it looks like Crusoe.

Stephen's mother, mother is going to be at Barnes and Noble doing a book signing, um, a week from yesterday.

Was it called The K? What was Aaron you read right do you remember that book did they have you read that out in the midwest there with Anheuser-Busch and all of that shit?

I can't remember the name of the old man in the sea. Okay. Old man in the sea.

Oh I'm reading his short stories now.

That's right.

God is the glory of Vegas Okay, hey, hey Bill listen to the podcast and religious the religious douche giving his Douchey impression of the story of Joe pissed me off.

The Bible story is that Job was so devastated to Devoted to God sorry that there was no way He would ever curse God's name the devil went to heaven and said to God No shit he won't curse you he's rich as fuck. He's got a hot wife seven no non-gay sons and Three great-looking daughters who won't who don't date give me five minutes with that piece of shit And I'll get him to curse you upside down till next Tuesday

God said yeah, you want to make a fucking wager? See God knew Job God made Job God knew 100% for certain that he would win this This bet Bingo God is now the first casino boss because God has an inside knowledge of the game

But Job never caved so God won the bet of course God won it's God God did give Job all his stuff back, but now but how stupid was the devil that he bet against God?

The same as all of us when we go to Vegas and come out saying I got jobbed Jesus Christ That was so fucking clever. It made my fucking head burst. I think you're absolutely right