Come As You Are
Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
A revised and updated edition of Emily Nagoski’s game-changing
For much of the 20th and 21st centuries, women’s sexuality was an uncharted territory in science, studied far less frequently—and far less seriously—than its male counterpart.
Shayne highlighted a nonfiction title on sexuality, noting its explanation of accelerators and brakes that influence desire and how external pressures can affect those mechanisms. He used the concepts to dissect a Reddit story, emphasizing how misunderstood 'low sex drive' often stems from overactive brakes rather than a lack of interest. The discussion conveyed enthusiasm for the book's insights and its relevance to understanding relational dynamics.
A nonfiction book about sexuality, focusing on accelerators and brakes in human sexuality. The podcast hosts discussed the book's concepts of reactive sexuality and the pressure surrounding sex in relationships, using it to analyze one of the Reddit stories.
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I was just finished listening to a book, a nonfiction book on sexuality because I like psychology books and it's this book called Come as you are and it's about...
In it she this this expert talks about how everyone has accelerators and brakes and that's like some people have more sensitive brakes. Some people have more sensitive accelerators, but she says what's damaging is over time people start to go like oh I just have no sex drive. It's like no your brakes are probably on like the situation's not right and you're not clocking what's preventing you from feeling it or interest? It's really fascinating.
The book was cited as a source that supports the importance of emotional connection in relationships, specifically for women. It refutes the idea that novelty and mystery are the only factors contributing to eroticism, arguing that familiarity and emotional connection are crucial for a fulfilling sex life.
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There's a wonderful book by Emily Nagoski called Come As You Are that reviews this research.
— Episode: The Gottman Doctors: "Women Tend to Be M...
Episode: The Gottman Doctors: "Women Tend to Be More Unhapp...
The book was cited as a source that supports the importance of emotional connection in relationships, specifically for women. It refutes the idea that novelty and mystery are the only factors contributing to eroticism, arguing that familiarity and emotional connection are crucial for a fulfilling sex life.
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There's a wonderful book by Emily Nagoski called Come As You Are that reviews this research.
The book was highlighted as a science‑based guide that demystified sexual response and empowered women to seek help, with hosts noting its hopeful, shame‑reducing perspective. It was recommended by guests such as Dr. Lori Brotto and Glennon Doyle, who praised its clear organization and the updated 2021 edition. Listeners responded enthusiastically, with one host even purchasing a copy after the discussion.
Highly Recommended
Episode: 105. Restart Your Sex Life with Dr. Lori Brotto
It was recommended as a book that reviews the science behind sexual response and offers hope and empowerment for women seeking help for sexual concerns.
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Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, reviews the science that I've just summarized and again, paints this hopeful picture while at the same time empowering women to get help.
Episode: 93. BURNOUT: Do You Feel Half Alive?
It was mentioned as a previous work by Emily Nagoski, a New York Times bestseller, which also dealt with aspects related to the human body and its connection with stress and emotions.
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And the reason why we liked it was because it was helpful, but also because the authors who are friends of this pod, Emily Nagoski, who wrote come as you are and her sister, who is also an author, Amelia Nagoski, they are just kind of the antidote to like the self-help or self care that there's no suggestion of we can just fix, you know, burnout with a candle or a bath or a manicure.
And don't forget, Come As You Are, Emily's book that, um, rocked our first silent sex queen episode that if you haven't listened to, you definitely are going to want to go listen to now.
Episode: 31. Answering Your Sex Questions with Emily Nagosk...
It was mentioned that this book was newly revised and updated in 2021, and that the speaker had read it twice previously.
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Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestselling Come As You Are, newly revised and updated in 2021.
Episode: 30. REAL, JOYFUL SEX with Emily Nagoski
It was discussed at length as a book that helps women to understand their sexuality and that it normalizes sexual experiences and removes the shame associated with them.
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Now listen to this people. Here's what I read just in the introduction. All right? Oh God. So many women come to my blog or to my class or to my public talks convinced that they are sexually broken.
I wrote this book to share the science stories and sex positive insights that prove to us that despite our culture's vested interest in making us feel broken, dysfunctional, unlovely and unlovable, we are in fact fully capable of confident, joyful sex.
What I loved about Come As You Are, so many things, but I loved how it was organized because this structure was helpful to me.
If you're not a reader, listen to Emily's book, Come As You Are. Her voice is perfect. You're so good at reading. I loved it.
She was watching her adult brother change his baby daughter's diaper, which is great. She's all clean and he reaches for the new diaper and when he turns back, she is touching her vulva. And he goes, ah, don't touch that.
Episode: 15. Sexy Qs, Farewell to Faking It & Vouching for...
It was mentioned as a great book towards the end of the podcast discussion, and one of the hosts purchased it after discussing the topic of orgasms and sexual health.
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Also, Nagoski's Come As You Are, great book.
Yes, I actually just bought that. You are normal. I'm going to read it. Good. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it.
Episode: 14. SILENT SEX QUEEN: Why aren’t we talking about...
Amanda mentioned having read this book, which discussed the dual control model of sexual response, including spontaneous and responsive desire.
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I think i before i read um nagaski's book come as you are which everyone i think should read
In the episode, Esther Perel referenced the book to explain the concept of responsive desire, noting that it is common in women and can be sparked by an invitation rather than a demand. She highlighted that the author described how invitation from oneself is more effective than from a partner, presenting the title as a valuable resource for understanding sexual desire dynamics.
Highly Recommended
Episode: He Wants it Everyday, She Wants it Never
The book, "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski, was referenced to discuss the concept of responsive desire, contrasting it with spontaneous arousal. It was mentioned that responsive desire is common in women and can be triggered by invitation and pleasure.
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Emily Nagoski in her book Come as You Are describes it very beautifully you have you are responsive but you're not going to be responsive if you experience the man you're gonna be responsive if there is invitation and even more so you're going to be responsive when the invitation comes from you not from him because it's so hard for you to experience his as an invitation rather than as a demand as a need.
When he needs you and he comes with you with that need that emotional need not just a section it's an emotional need in the language of sex then you can be nice and you can be kind and you can do it because you're taking care of him but you experience nothing pleasurable for yourself except the fact that you feel good about having been nice to him and on occasion you start to resent it too very true okay so that script is what is standing in your way at this point.
It was about the science of women's sexual well-being and had a chapter about stress and feelings and emotion processing.
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And as I was traveling around with that book, people over and over kept saying to me, yeah, yeah, all the sex science is great Emily. But you know, the one chapter that changed everything for me was t...
— Episode: For the Burned Out, Fried, and Exhausted...
Episode: For the Burned Out, Fried, and Exhausted | Emily &...
It was about the science of women's sexual well-being and had a chapter about stress and feelings and emotion processing.
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And as I was traveling around with that book, people over and over kept saying to me, yeah, yeah, all the sex science is great Emily. But you know, the one chapter that changed everything for me was that one chapter about stress and emotion processing.
And do you remember how it, you know, saved my life? She said twice.
Dr. John Delony repeatedly recommended the book to callers, couples, and listeners as a valuable resource for improving sexual intimacy and communication. He highlighted that, although written for women, it offered men insightful science that reframed the myth of a single sex drive by describing desire as a series of “ons” and “offs,” and it provided practical language and tools for couples. The host described it as a masterpiece and the best sex book he had ever read, praising its ability to help partners create a more supportive sexual environment.
Highly Recommended
Episode: How Often Should We Have Sex?
The host recommended this book to listeners. It was described as surprising and transformative.
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Check out John's recommendation, Come As You Are: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
Episode: We Hardly Ever Have Sex
It was highly recommended, particularly for its exploration of intimacy, sexuality, and Dr. Nagoski's insights into these topics.
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And so I always go back to Dr. Emily Nagoski in a book that I want you to pick up is called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.
It's incredible.
Dr. Nagoski, it's such a great book, but it walks through this idea of intimacy, sexuality,
Episode: I Thought Marriage Would Fix My Lust Problem . . ....
It was recommended to both the caller and his wife. It was said that while the book is written for women, men have found it instructive and helpful.
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I want you and your wife to read the book, Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. I want you all to read it together.
It's a book written to women, but I have found men all over the country going, dude, I had no idea. It was so instructive and helpful.
Episode: Greatest Hits Vol. 23
The book, about sex and intimacy for women, was recommended to a caller for advice on communication and intimacy within marriage, specifically focusing on discussions about sexual needs and boundaries. The host highlighted its helpful sections on the "ons and offs" of intimacy.
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And I also want you to get a copy of Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are. It's a book about sex and intimacy for women, but it's incredible for, I've just found it a really invaluable resource. There's probably a lot of stuff in there that you don't need to hear, but there's some incredible sections on offs and ons.
Episode: Greatest Hits Vol. 1
The speaker highly recommended this book to a couple experiencing intimacy challenges, praising its discussion of establishing sexual intimacy and addressing common myths about sex drives in men and women. It was described as exceptionally helpful for couples to learn common language and tools for growth.
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I'm going to recommend a book for you two guys to read together, but you're going to have to practice turning on all the ons and turning off all the offs.
the book I want you two to read, this is not a faith-based book...it's called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. And it is exceptional when it comes to--establishing sexual intimacy, right?
It's the best book I've ever read when it comes to talking about establishing--good grief, James, we need a dictionary on this show--establishing sexual intimacy, right?
I've heard you recommend that book before. I'd recommend y'all both read it together. And it will probably make her blush. It will probably give her freedom.
Here's one of the ultimate thesis of that book. Life is too short to not have an incredible sex life. It's just too short.
Episode: Ask Me Anything #6: John Answers Your Questions
It was described as a great book that couples can read together; it's less about sex and more about the relationship between a woman and her body, but men find it valuable too.
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Come As You Are by Emily Nagatsky, the book on sex. It's less about it's more about a relationship between a woman and her body. But I think the men that have read it have find extraordinary value in it as well. And I think it's a great book that couples can read together.
Episode: Your Top 10 Sex & Intimacy Questions Answered!
The podcast host recommended this book to a guest experiencing sexual difficulties within her marriage. He suggested it as a tool to help the couple communicate and create a safe environment for intimacy.
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get Emily Nagatsky's book, Come As You Are, ordered on Amazon today.
Episode: Why Do I Have To Work So Hard for Intimacy?
It was described as a masterpiece and was highly recommended for couples wanting to improve their sex life. The book challenged the idea of a singular sex drive, instead proposing that sexual desire is a complex interplay of various factors.
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I used to talk about the book all the time. I haven't in a while. I recommend anybody who's having conversations in their home, like there's just a married couple sitting there talking about how they want to improve their sex life or change their sex life. There's a book called Come As You Are that Emily Nagoski wrote. It's a masterpiece. It's incredible.
She was the first person I ever heard so eloquently put outside of like nerd science journals that there's no such thing as a sex drive. That's not real. That one person has more of a sex drive and one person has less of a sex drive. And women's sex drive is just men's sex drive light. That's not true. Really, sexual desire is a series of gas pedals and brakes.
Episode: My Sex Drive Is Way Higher Than My Husband’s
The book was described as a masterpiece that reframed the way the hosts viewed sex drive, focusing on creating an environment with fewer 'offs' and more 'ons'.
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The masterpiece is the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagatsky.
What she did for me was reframe the entire thing in sexism about drive at all. It's environmental. It's ecological in a way. It is how do I create a world where there's as few offs as possible and a few ons as possible?
Episode: Our Open Marriage Experiment Did Not Go Well
This book about sex and intimacy for women was recommended to a caller to help improve communication and understanding within her marriage. It was praised for its helpful sections on intimacy.
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And I also want you to get a copy of Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are. It's a book about sex and intimacy for women. But it's incredible for I've just found a really invaluable resource.
And her book will give you some conversations to have with your husband. And he needs to read it too.
Episode: I'm a Burnt Out Teacher
This book was recommended to help the listener and her husband improve their sex life and intimacy. It was described as eye-opening and helpful in understanding the differences between male and female sex drives.
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I want you all to get the book together and read called come as you are by Emily Nagoski.
And I want you all to read that book together and there's going to be parts of that book that are like, whoa.
And in particular, she does a great job peeling apart the myth that sex is a drive that some people just have more than the other.
What she proves physiologically is that sex is actually sex drive, if you will, is actually a series of gas pedals and brakes.
I finished that book and I recommend it to everybody. I mean, all my counselor for everybody, I thought needs to read this is just a great book on sex and intimacy for women.
Episode: I Want Better Sex in Our Marriage
It was described as the single best book on sex the speaker has ever read, written for women about their bodies, and also recommended for men to read.
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I'll link to it in the show notes. It's the single best book on sex I've ever read in my life. It's written for women about their bodies and they were just left out of the conversation most went more. It's a it's a phenomenal book, but it's also really important for men to read too.
Note: The book recommendations on this page are discovered automatically from podcast transcripts, and may be incorrect or incomplete.
