Podcast
Hidden Brain
The book was highlighted by Shankar Vedantam as a source that examined how modern marriage has become increasingly demanding, with couples often feeling suffocated by the pressure to achieve both love and personal growth. Eli Finkel, the author, appeared on the show and explained his concept of the "all‑or‑nothing" marriage, noting that high expectations can outpace the resources couples have to invest. The discussion framed the title as a useful lens for understanding contemporary marital challenges, though it was not explicitly endorsed as a must‑read.
Episode: Relationships 2.0: When Did Marriage Become So Har...
It was mentioned as a book that explores how marriage has evolved and the challenges faced by couples today, especially with heightened expectations.
Modern marriage, he says, runs the risk of suffocation.
Eli Finkel is a social psychologist at Northwestern University. He's the author of The All or Nothing Marriage, How the Best Marriages Work.
Episode: You 2.0: When Did Marriage Become So Hard?
It discussed how modern marriages face the challenge of suffocation due to increased expectations for personal growth and fulfillment within the relationship, which can lead to a sense of disappointment if not met.
Eli is the author of The All or Nothing Marriage, and he has a very dramatic term for the challenge that many couples face today.
Modern marriage, he says, runs the risk of suffocation.
So in the terminology of psychology, we wanted to self-actualize through our marriage.
And for the first time you start to see cases where people would say, as I think Liz Gilbert would say, that she was in a loving marriage and he was a good man and treated her well but she felt stagnant and she really wasn't willing to endure a stagnant life for the next 30 or 40 years and she walked out.
It's lovely way up there at the top and if we're looking to try to achieve not only this sense of love and connection but also this sense of personal growth and authenticity through the marriage but we're trying to do it on the cheap that is we're trying to do it without investing the time without investing the psychological energy then we're left up there at the top of the mountain without the resources that we need in order to succeed and so that is what gives us this disconnect between where we are on the mountain the expectations that we're bringing to the marriage and what the marriage is actually able to offer us and that disconnect is what I'm talking about when I talk about the suffocation of marriage.
Episode: You 2.0: When Did Marriage Become So Hard?
It was discussed as a book that explores the modern challenges of marriage in the context of increased expectations and the concept of 'suffocation,' where the marriage is expected to fulfill too many needs.
Eli is the author of The All or Nothing Marriage and he has a very dramatic term for the challenge that many couples face today.
Modern marriage, he says, runs the risk of suffocation.
